~DANDELION ~
Saturday, June 9, 2012
DANDELION
ELI Group
Campaing ELI died when the case was determined a cold case and no charges would be made. Moving forward I have created the ELI Group ~ Every Life is Important. We are breaking the silence and making changes in the City of Reno. To follow what ELI Group is doing check out the following links;
Follow my Blog about my experience of my loss, and my fight for justice, and plans for E.L.I. at
http://www.everylifeimportant.blogspot.co
Donate to ELI Group to help with expenses for the non profit organization that will make a difference and will fight for change in laws regarding the safety and protection of children.
Following E.L.I. Group ~ every life is important
Main page for ELI Group with information found at
www.everylifeimportant.com
Follow ELI Group and the story of Elijah Guia and the fight for change on
www.everylifeimportant.com
Follow ELI Group and the story of Elijah Guia and the fight for change on
Follow my Blog about my experience of my loss, and my fight for justice, and plans for E.L.I. at
http://www.everylifeimportant.blogspot.co
Donate to ELI Group to help with expenses for the non profit organization that will make a difference and will fight for change in laws regarding the safety and protection of children.
Expense of my heart
The months have slipped by like a dream that you can barely remember when you wake. I have been pressed down with saddness like a heavy storm cloud resting on a mountain. The pressure of every thing is intense. I feel like Im being smothered with a pillow. It has been a year a whole year that my little boy has been dead. Gone, vanished, only photos carry on his beautiful existence and without justice. I work all day, all night, fighting with everything I have to create something good out of this... (what do I call it? a tragedy? a loss? ~none of that does justice to the depths of the pain I feel) The expense of my heart... some good will come, changes will be made. I will continue to fight and bring changes in this city, state, country that will protect other babies from suffering the same fate as little Elijah Guia, my little lion, sweet child of mine. I will continue until I take my last breath, for this is the expense of my heart.
Intermission....
The last couple months have been a whirlwind. June 2nd was the year mark of my sons death and I was so busy with the Grand opening of the ELI Group facility that I barely had time to breath. I was numb that day, pressing on, trying to celebrate the outcome of where the eligroup is going. Creating this non-profit organization in honor of his little life and the differences that I want to make with this company is no small feat. Its overwhelming, hard, paperwork, emails, contacts, numbers, TV, media, and so much more. I am tired. Now today, I am all alone. My two boys Kaden, and Kyler are down in Vegas with their dad, and I am moving into the facility to help with the finances of everything that I am working so hard for. Its finally hitting me that it's been an entire year since my son has died. Tomorrow, June 10th, marks the year that I buried his tiny body in that tiny coffin. I am sad so sad, I miss him and sometimes look around and wonder why? Why all of this? The tears flood my eyes and I have to keep stopping writing this cause I can't see. Its intermission time, the time in between events that you stop and look around and question everything. The replay of the entire tragedy of my sons death fill my heart, mind and soul. Consuming it is, like a fire raging on fueled by the wind of wonders. I wonder what he would be playing with, what would he look like, what would his favorite snacks and cartoons be. I would give anything to blow bubbles for him and see the wonder in his eyes as all small children get when looking at bubbles.... I sit here now and type during my intermission, my wondering, my heartache. The realization that it has been a whole year all ready? How can it be? Oh little Eli, if you were here, I would have you sitting on my lap, kissing your pudgy cheeks. But I know that intermissions only last for a bit and then the show must go on. ............... Emails, phone calls, meetings, donations, volunteers, computers, programing, clients, events, business operations, employee handbooks, and sooo much more. And all of this because some woman lost her temper on my baby for crying. >>> A selfish secret during this silent and lonely intermission; somedays like today, knowing that what I am trying to accomplish with eligroup will help so many people, days like today I would give it all up for just one more chance to hold my little baby and rock him to sleep in my arms.
Intermission is over, I have to get back to work.
Intermission is over, I have to get back to work.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Time is Elusive and so is the Truth. (part 1 of 3)
It's time that is tricky and elusive, we plan our lives around it, whether work, or appointments, or times to spend with our friends and family. But time always has tricks up its sleeves. Time seems to always be around like a best bud, but then suddenly trick you and disappear when things are good and when those terrible horrible days that you just want to disappear like a morning fog come around time seems to hang around and never pass by.
It's been quite some time since my last entry.... but time has slipped through my fingers like bath water. It has been very busy and complex and I am finally able to catch a breath to tell you about it.
People want to know the truth about what really happened and I am ready to tell you. On June 2nd of 2011, I left my 3 beautiful, healthy children with their babysitter of 3 weeks for the evening to go to a court appointment and to go out with a friend for a drink, that was the last time I saw my youngest son Elijah Guia alive. He gave me a kiss, and I tousled his beautiful brown hair and told them all to be good for Rosie, have fun and I will see you soon.... I did not know that this was the last time I would get to look into the eyes of my boys so innocent and fun loving... full of hope. I did not know that this would be the day that would change all of our lives forever....... time crept up and I had to go.
I was living in Vegas with the intent to move to Reno and in March of 2011, when I met Rosie off an online ad for babysitting through craigslist in Reno. I called her along with several others and set up appointments for interviews and made travel plans to come to Reno the first week of April to secure an apartment, employment and of course babysitting. In the first week of April I drove up to Reno alone and followed through with my plans... I met Rosie. She was very kind and had a sweet personality. I was even able to meet her family and sat with her for about an hour talking and asking questions about things such as being CPR certified, child care experience and her ability to handle three little boys. She had a great family and a nice clean place, she had a child of her own, and a very nice husband. She said her experience was plentiful and that she had been CPR certified, and that she was affiliated with the Children's cabinet here in Reno (going through the process of becoming licensed). We talked about prices and my goals and what I would expect from her and her abilities. I felt comfortable and assured that I had found someone that would provide good loving care for my children. I drove back to Vegas to prepare for the move which was to take place in the beginning of May. I continued weekly phone conversations/ interviews with Rosie and got to know her even better and looked forward to having someone that was dependable and all ready dedicated to the job even though it was weeks away.
On May 6th, I moved to Reno with my 3 boys and moved into our new apartment looking for a fresh start. I interviewed Rosie again and went to her residence to inspect it. It was clean and nice and baby proofed with care. I had a supervised visit with Rosie and my children and her child to make sure it would be a good fit. I watched closely, as I had been a stay at home mom up until this point and never had babysitting before. I saw her play with my children and felt comfortable and asked again about the licencing and how that was going. She said it was going well and that she had to make a couple changes before she could get the licensing, but handed me an application for the children's cabinet so that I could get assistance through them and so that she could get paid a dividend from them in subsidy assistance.
May 13th was the first day of work for me and I loaded all three boys in the car for their first day of babysitting. I kissed them good bye and headed off to work. I picked them up later and was happy that they were all seemingly content and ready to go home with mommy. Babysitting continued for the next 3 weeks.
On June second I dropped off the boys around 2:30 to head to the Police Department in pursuit to obtain my sheriffs card to begin my new job as a preschool teacher at a local academy here in town. I was done around 3 and called Rosie to share the good news that I got my card (as this meant a better job for me and better pay for her). I was going to meet up with a friend that evening around 6 and had some spare time and asked Rosie if I should come get the boys for a bit before my night out. She kindly said no that she will keep the boys because she could really use the money. I said great and headed home to do some laundry and get ready for the evening.
I met up with my friend at a local establishment here in town. We talked of our lives and I told him of my live and my children. I tried showing my friend a video of my youngest son Elijah on youtube on his iPhone but was unable to find it. So I pulled out my phone knowing it would be on my face book. Thats when I seen the two missing phone calls from Rosie. I apparently put my phone on silent instead of vibrate. I was panicked as she had never called me before. I didn't even listen to the messages but immediately called back.....
Keia, keia I'm so sorry I don't know what happened" that's when an officer took the phone from her and on the other end of the line said to me, "Ma'am you need to go to Renown Medical Center Immediately your son has stopped breathing." I screamed and yelled "what do you mean he is not breathing? Is he alive?" There was no answer and was told again to go to the hospital. I felt like I was moving through water, no matter how fast I went I couldn't get it together, I ran down the street leaving my shoes, purse and jacket not caring about anything -but in a dash to get to the hospital, to get to my baby. Thoughts "not breathing?' played over and over as I ran barefoot down the street toward my car. My friend chased me down with my stuff and said "stop, I will take you, your not driving". The drive to Renown medical seemed to take hours but when the destination came all I saw was a team of nurses waiting outside the doors to intercept me. I ran from the truck to tackle through the line of nurses and was grabbed.... That's when I yelled "let me see my son, where is he? Is he okay?" Time, that tricky bastard, stopped everything and the words from the mouth of that short haired blond nurse poured out like hot lava on my heart as she said " I'm sorry, but he didn't make it." I fell to the floor as my soul began to bleed out and the words "he didn't make it" echoed over and over like someone shouting into a mine shaft. I nearly blacked out but came to quickly as the nurses shook me and picked me up from the floor saying you need to stop screaming.... I didn't even know I was screaming I felt like I was dying.. Then thoughts flooded my mind as the nurses carried me off to a private room to calm down...The thoughts wouldn't stop.... Maybe if this was a joke, a nightmare, maybe if I just see him, he would come back.... maybe it was a mistake, maybe it wasn't my baby who had died, maybe they were wrong and he just needed a little more CPR, let me see him, I can do it, I will bring him back, he always is there with me, this isn't real, wheres my son? where's my son, DAMMIT WHERE IS HE? I didn't know then that I was screaming this as nurses where holding me down, and gripped me tightly. They kept me in that room for what seemed like hours, that effing elusive time..... why.... the pain was wrenching my heart.... "why can't I see my son?" I asked, they said they have to clean him up, and I needed to calm down a little better...They took me outside so that I could calm down... I lit up a smoke with shaking hands, still numb, the world seemed colorless, and all I could do was vomit outside in the parking lot. Thinking this can't be real... why did I miss those phone calls from Rosie, what happened? Why my little baby boy? I began pleading with God, please oh please don't let this be real... Please! Please! God! WHY... Wake me up, dammit somebody wake me up now.
It was a whirlwind of people swarming me and asking me who to call, and notify of my son's death, through my tears and desperate attempts to breath, I could only think of my parents and my children's father. Fernando, he was in Vegas...."oh God, what is he going to think?" I couldn't call through the shaking, sobbing, and confusion, so they took my phone and called for me. Time sped up again and while the, nurses were trying to stop me from hyperventilating and then my foster parents showed up. My foster mom Pam grabbed me tightly. I tried to pull my self together as much as I could and began to stand up. I wanted to go back in the hospital, I wanted to see my son. My ears were ringing as the nurses, my foster mom and another woman with some sort of ID badge walked me down the hall and into a room to wait.... (It dawned on me that this woman with the ID badge had been there for a while. Was she the one that took my phone to make the calls?) It didn't matter. I wanted to see my son.
It wasn't obvious, but a strange undertone awareness that I was being prevented from seeing my son that slowly crept up, and that's when I got angry. "Let me see my son!" I nearly growled at the woman with the ID badge, and I saw a glance from the nurse to the woman with the ID badge. Then the nurse approached me and knelt down into a crouching position in front of me and and then introduced herself and told me that I am going to have to prepare my self for what I am about to see. That is when a man with a badge showed up and introduced himself as a detective. He approached me and began to explain that when I go into the room where my sons body was that I would not be allowed to touch him. "Why not?" "I don't understand, that is my son and I want to see him"
Time seemed to slap me in the face as everything they said began to blur together, all I could think of was that I am about to see my son.... or what was left of him. I was caught in that moment almost as if time himself got caught off guard and didn't know wether to speed up or slow down. I was numb and unaware of even getting up and leaving the room they had me waiting in.
In the hospital corridor looking through the glass door of the room all to see was a white curtain and the shadow of something behind.... "oh my God, that's my baby, that's my baby boy." my mind shouted over and over. It took the strength of angels to keep me composed in that moment but I knew I had to keep it together or else they wouldn't let me see my son. The door slid open and the detective tore back the curtain as if unveiling a dark secret slow and cautious. And there he was, my little boy, my precious baby laying on that table. His skin was a jaundice yellow, and his eyes were closed. His arms limp at his sides and diaper half way undone. I looked and froze.... I saw reddish coloring of the blood settling in the bottoms of his limbs and knew he had been that way for a while. There was a tube coming out of his mouth and something stuck into his leg ( a gage of some sort ) there where paddle stickers on his chest, obviously from a defibrillator to restart his heart. My tiny little man, what did they do to you? As I approached his body, all I wanted to do was grab him up and hold him in my arms, and that's when the detective stood in front of me and boldly warned my not to touch his body.... It still wasn't dawning on me that something was terribly wrong above the fact that my son had just died. They let me sit down next to him and the detective guarded his body from me like a pit bull. I got angry and said "look, just give me an effing moment with my son!" I won't do anything. In the back I could hear distant explanations of "we are looking in to this a little further as his death seems suspicious and we need to be sure that you don't touch anything that could be possible evidence." I said that's fine and pleaded with them to at least let me touch his hand. They allowed me to do so and I grabbed his little pudgy baby fingers tightly and kissed them remembering that just that very morning he was using those little fingers to pull his blanket up and over his head to play peek-a-boo with me. OH GOD!!!!! please say this isn't real. Please wake up Elijah, Elijah wake up for mommy please. Just then the detective asked me "did your son have this bruise on his forehead when you dropped him off at the sitters?" I looked at my sons head looked at the detective and said "No! my son had NO marks on him" "what's going on?" Standing there holding my sons lifeless fingers while staring at the detective, time came to a screeching halt and that is where everything changed.... "What had happened to my baby?"
It's been quite some time since my last entry.... but time has slipped through my fingers like bath water. It has been very busy and complex and I am finally able to catch a breath to tell you about it.
People want to know the truth about what really happened and I am ready to tell you. On June 2nd of 2011, I left my 3 beautiful, healthy children with their babysitter of 3 weeks for the evening to go to a court appointment and to go out with a friend for a drink, that was the last time I saw my youngest son Elijah Guia alive. He gave me a kiss, and I tousled his beautiful brown hair and told them all to be good for Rosie, have fun and I will see you soon.... I did not know that this was the last time I would get to look into the eyes of my boys so innocent and fun loving... full of hope. I did not know that this would be the day that would change all of our lives forever....... time crept up and I had to go.
I was living in Vegas with the intent to move to Reno and in March of 2011, when I met Rosie off an online ad for babysitting through craigslist in Reno. I called her along with several others and set up appointments for interviews and made travel plans to come to Reno the first week of April to secure an apartment, employment and of course babysitting. In the first week of April I drove up to Reno alone and followed through with my plans... I met Rosie. She was very kind and had a sweet personality. I was even able to meet her family and sat with her for about an hour talking and asking questions about things such as being CPR certified, child care experience and her ability to handle three little boys. She had a great family and a nice clean place, she had a child of her own, and a very nice husband. She said her experience was plentiful and that she had been CPR certified, and that she was affiliated with the Children's cabinet here in Reno (going through the process of becoming licensed). We talked about prices and my goals and what I would expect from her and her abilities. I felt comfortable and assured that I had found someone that would provide good loving care for my children. I drove back to Vegas to prepare for the move which was to take place in the beginning of May. I continued weekly phone conversations/ interviews with Rosie and got to know her even better and looked forward to having someone that was dependable and all ready dedicated to the job even though it was weeks away.
On May 6th, I moved to Reno with my 3 boys and moved into our new apartment looking for a fresh start. I interviewed Rosie again and went to her residence to inspect it. It was clean and nice and baby proofed with care. I had a supervised visit with Rosie and my children and her child to make sure it would be a good fit. I watched closely, as I had been a stay at home mom up until this point and never had babysitting before. I saw her play with my children and felt comfortable and asked again about the licencing and how that was going. She said it was going well and that she had to make a couple changes before she could get the licensing, but handed me an application for the children's cabinet so that I could get assistance through them and so that she could get paid a dividend from them in subsidy assistance.
May 13th was the first day of work for me and I loaded all three boys in the car for their first day of babysitting. I kissed them good bye and headed off to work. I picked them up later and was happy that they were all seemingly content and ready to go home with mommy. Babysitting continued for the next 3 weeks.
On June second I dropped off the boys around 2:30 to head to the Police Department in pursuit to obtain my sheriffs card to begin my new job as a preschool teacher at a local academy here in town. I was done around 3 and called Rosie to share the good news that I got my card (as this meant a better job for me and better pay for her). I was going to meet up with a friend that evening around 6 and had some spare time and asked Rosie if I should come get the boys for a bit before my night out. She kindly said no that she will keep the boys because she could really use the money. I said great and headed home to do some laundry and get ready for the evening.
I met up with my friend at a local establishment here in town. We talked of our lives and I told him of my live and my children. I tried showing my friend a video of my youngest son Elijah on youtube on his iPhone but was unable to find it. So I pulled out my phone knowing it would be on my face book. Thats when I seen the two missing phone calls from Rosie. I apparently put my phone on silent instead of vibrate. I was panicked as she had never called me before. I didn't even listen to the messages but immediately called back.....
Keia, keia I'm so sorry I don't know what happened" that's when an officer took the phone from her and on the other end of the line said to me, "Ma'am you need to go to Renown Medical Center Immediately your son has stopped breathing." I screamed and yelled "what do you mean he is not breathing? Is he alive?" There was no answer and was told again to go to the hospital. I felt like I was moving through water, no matter how fast I went I couldn't get it together, I ran down the street leaving my shoes, purse and jacket not caring about anything -but in a dash to get to the hospital, to get to my baby. Thoughts "not breathing?' played over and over as I ran barefoot down the street toward my car. My friend chased me down with my stuff and said "stop, I will take you, your not driving". The drive to Renown medical seemed to take hours but when the destination came all I saw was a team of nurses waiting outside the doors to intercept me. I ran from the truck to tackle through the line of nurses and was grabbed.... That's when I yelled "let me see my son, where is he? Is he okay?" Time, that tricky bastard, stopped everything and the words from the mouth of that short haired blond nurse poured out like hot lava on my heart as she said " I'm sorry, but he didn't make it." I fell to the floor as my soul began to bleed out and the words "he didn't make it" echoed over and over like someone shouting into a mine shaft. I nearly blacked out but came to quickly as the nurses shook me and picked me up from the floor saying you need to stop screaming.... I didn't even know I was screaming I felt like I was dying.. Then thoughts flooded my mind as the nurses carried me off to a private room to calm down...The thoughts wouldn't stop.... Maybe if this was a joke, a nightmare, maybe if I just see him, he would come back.... maybe it was a mistake, maybe it wasn't my baby who had died, maybe they were wrong and he just needed a little more CPR, let me see him, I can do it, I will bring him back, he always is there with me, this isn't real, wheres my son? where's my son, DAMMIT WHERE IS HE? I didn't know then that I was screaming this as nurses where holding me down, and gripped me tightly. They kept me in that room for what seemed like hours, that effing elusive time..... why.... the pain was wrenching my heart.... "why can't I see my son?" I asked, they said they have to clean him up, and I needed to calm down a little better...They took me outside so that I could calm down... I lit up a smoke with shaking hands, still numb, the world seemed colorless, and all I could do was vomit outside in the parking lot. Thinking this can't be real... why did I miss those phone calls from Rosie, what happened? Why my little baby boy? I began pleading with God, please oh please don't let this be real... Please! Please! God! WHY... Wake me up, dammit somebody wake me up now.
It was a whirlwind of people swarming me and asking me who to call, and notify of my son's death, through my tears and desperate attempts to breath, I could only think of my parents and my children's father. Fernando, he was in Vegas...."oh God, what is he going to think?" I couldn't call through the shaking, sobbing, and confusion, so they took my phone and called for me. Time sped up again and while the, nurses were trying to stop me from hyperventilating and then my foster parents showed up. My foster mom Pam grabbed me tightly. I tried to pull my self together as much as I could and began to stand up. I wanted to go back in the hospital, I wanted to see my son. My ears were ringing as the nurses, my foster mom and another woman with some sort of ID badge walked me down the hall and into a room to wait.... (It dawned on me that this woman with the ID badge had been there for a while. Was she the one that took my phone to make the calls?) It didn't matter. I wanted to see my son.
It wasn't obvious, but a strange undertone awareness that I was being prevented from seeing my son that slowly crept up, and that's when I got angry. "Let me see my son!" I nearly growled at the woman with the ID badge, and I saw a glance from the nurse to the woman with the ID badge. Then the nurse approached me and knelt down into a crouching position in front of me and and then introduced herself and told me that I am going to have to prepare my self for what I am about to see. That is when a man with a badge showed up and introduced himself as a detective. He approached me and began to explain that when I go into the room where my sons body was that I would not be allowed to touch him. "Why not?" "I don't understand, that is my son and I want to see him"
Time seemed to slap me in the face as everything they said began to blur together, all I could think of was that I am about to see my son.... or what was left of him. I was caught in that moment almost as if time himself got caught off guard and didn't know wether to speed up or slow down. I was numb and unaware of even getting up and leaving the room they had me waiting in.
In the hospital corridor looking through the glass door of the room all to see was a white curtain and the shadow of something behind.... "oh my God, that's my baby, that's my baby boy." my mind shouted over and over. It took the strength of angels to keep me composed in that moment but I knew I had to keep it together or else they wouldn't let me see my son. The door slid open and the detective tore back the curtain as if unveiling a dark secret slow and cautious. And there he was, my little boy, my precious baby laying on that table. His skin was a jaundice yellow, and his eyes were closed. His arms limp at his sides and diaper half way undone. I looked and froze.... I saw reddish coloring of the blood settling in the bottoms of his limbs and knew he had been that way for a while. There was a tube coming out of his mouth and something stuck into his leg ( a gage of some sort ) there where paddle stickers on his chest, obviously from a defibrillator to restart his heart. My tiny little man, what did they do to you? As I approached his body, all I wanted to do was grab him up and hold him in my arms, and that's when the detective stood in front of me and boldly warned my not to touch his body.... It still wasn't dawning on me that something was terribly wrong above the fact that my son had just died. They let me sit down next to him and the detective guarded his body from me like a pit bull. I got angry and said "look, just give me an effing moment with my son!" I won't do anything. In the back I could hear distant explanations of "we are looking in to this a little further as his death seems suspicious and we need to be sure that you don't touch anything that could be possible evidence." I said that's fine and pleaded with them to at least let me touch his hand. They allowed me to do so and I grabbed his little pudgy baby fingers tightly and kissed them remembering that just that very morning he was using those little fingers to pull his blanket up and over his head to play peek-a-boo with me. OH GOD!!!!! please say this isn't real. Please wake up Elijah, Elijah wake up for mommy please. Just then the detective asked me "did your son have this bruise on his forehead when you dropped him off at the sitters?" I looked at my sons head looked at the detective and said "No! my son had NO marks on him" "what's going on?" Standing there holding my sons lifeless fingers while staring at the detective, time came to a screeching halt and that is where everything changed.... "What had happened to my baby?"
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Ocean Waves
I have been missing my sweet little child. I often describe my pain to others as this...
It's like playing on the sandy shores of a beautiful ocean where the waves of the ocean are the sorrow of the loss you have experienced. You go about your walk making footprints in the sands of life, smelling the salty air, and hearing the ocean's hum. You are admiring only the things you want to admire as your senses are completely in shock. They are over heightened on certain things, and tuned out to most others. Mentally you are completely oblivious to the rest of the world. But as you walk on the sinking sand making the best footprints possible, your always hearing the sound of the next ocean wave of pain coming to the shore line to swallow your feet and tickle your toes. When it does, it hurts a little but it's a comfort you have now gotten used to. You first feel the cold grip your feet right up to your ankles, and as painful as it is you remember that your feet are still planted on the shore- you know that your going to be all right. You feel the pull of the wave as it is sucked back to the great oceanic abyss (and much time there is temptation to just fall down and let it take you) however you know that you need to stay ashore for there is too much shore-line of life that needs to be walked. Much of the time the day goes on with all the normalises it always has but you always feel that wave coming to swallow your feet. Sometimes you hope it comes (especially when you get so busy that you find yourself feeling guilty that you didn't give the wave the attention it deserved). The waves come and go. The sun beats down, the wind blows and you continue to walk and pay attention the best you can. It's hard to pay attention to everything because you can always hear the sound of the wave, you always feel it's painful reminder that you will never again be the same. Your walking, and suddenly out of no where this huge wave comes and engulfs you like a tsunami. You feel like you went through a car wash with all the windows down. It knocks the breath out of you and throws you straight on your face. The pain is so raw and intense that you feel everything as if it is new all over again, just when you got used to expecting a small tickle around your ankles. It's unbearable and you can't breath, and you do everything you can to try and hold on, but the wave is pulling and clawing at you; dragging you down to the very depths of depths of despair. You find only slivers of moments in between the painful thrashing and sobbing to think when will the water go down? Will I ever be able to get air? Will I ever be able to breath again? Then the chill of the wave takes over your body and all you can do is give in, you can't fight it. It's too strong. You beg and plead for God, Mom, a Friend, ANYONE to help you. Sometimes you pray that none of them see you like this at all; sometime you pray you would just die and not have to suffer this anymore. And when this wave takes over, all you can think of is how you would give everything for just one more kiss, one more minute, one more smile or I love you with the one who was taken away. Maybe you fall asleep, or drink to you demise, or gorge your self with chocolate and smoke too many cigarettes... Who knows how you make it through it. It's different every time. But eventually the wave does go down and the waters slowly calm. You may need a few minutes to get up on your feet again, but you do because you remember that there is still too much shore line that needs to be walked. It makes you angry sometimes that you have to walk it, but you do and you make many more footprints in the sand until the next ocean wave...
It's like playing on the sandy shores of a beautiful ocean where the waves of the ocean are the sorrow of the loss you have experienced. You go about your walk making footprints in the sands of life, smelling the salty air, and hearing the ocean's hum. You are admiring only the things you want to admire as your senses are completely in shock. They are over heightened on certain things, and tuned out to most others. Mentally you are completely oblivious to the rest of the world. But as you walk on the sinking sand making the best footprints possible, your always hearing the sound of the next ocean wave of pain coming to the shore line to swallow your feet and tickle your toes. When it does, it hurts a little but it's a comfort you have now gotten used to. You first feel the cold grip your feet right up to your ankles, and as painful as it is you remember that your feet are still planted on the shore- you know that your going to be all right. You feel the pull of the wave as it is sucked back to the great oceanic abyss (and much time there is temptation to just fall down and let it take you) however you know that you need to stay ashore for there is too much shore-line of life that needs to be walked. Much of the time the day goes on with all the normalises it always has but you always feel that wave coming to swallow your feet. Sometimes you hope it comes (especially when you get so busy that you find yourself feeling guilty that you didn't give the wave the attention it deserved). The waves come and go. The sun beats down, the wind blows and you continue to walk and pay attention the best you can. It's hard to pay attention to everything because you can always hear the sound of the wave, you always feel it's painful reminder that you will never again be the same. Your walking, and suddenly out of no where this huge wave comes and engulfs you like a tsunami. You feel like you went through a car wash with all the windows down. It knocks the breath out of you and throws you straight on your face. The pain is so raw and intense that you feel everything as if it is new all over again, just when you got used to expecting a small tickle around your ankles. It's unbearable and you can't breath, and you do everything you can to try and hold on, but the wave is pulling and clawing at you; dragging you down to the very depths of depths of despair. You find only slivers of moments in between the painful thrashing and sobbing to think when will the water go down? Will I ever be able to get air? Will I ever be able to breath again? Then the chill of the wave takes over your body and all you can do is give in, you can't fight it. It's too strong. You beg and plead for God, Mom, a Friend, ANYONE to help you. Sometimes you pray that none of them see you like this at all; sometime you pray you would just die and not have to suffer this anymore. And when this wave takes over, all you can think of is how you would give everything for just one more kiss, one more minute, one more smile or I love you with the one who was taken away. Maybe you fall asleep, or drink to you demise, or gorge your self with chocolate and smoke too many cigarettes... Who knows how you make it through it. It's different every time. But eventually the wave does go down and the waters slowly calm. You may need a few minutes to get up on your feet again, but you do because you remember that there is still too much shore line that needs to be walked. It makes you angry sometimes that you have to walk it, but you do and you make many more footprints in the sand until the next ocean wave...
Saturday, January 7, 2012
My Idea (first steps)
Every day the pain grips my heart. Losing my son makes me feel as though my heart has been ripped out and squeezed until it has turned to dust. I can't imagine how many other families are out there suffering the same pain. It's agonizing and there is no choice but to move on... however when I do move on there is this nagging feeling that I am betraying him. Complicated I know. But throughout the weeks that I have been on this mission to begin campaign E.L.I (Every Life is Important) I have met many amazing people who have helped with this endeavor as they are just as passionate as I am to bring about change in the way a child is protected and advocated for.
There are too many babies being shaken, drowned, burned, beaten, raped, and murdered. It is happening right now as I right this. An infant is being shaken to death right now, another child is being burned with cigarettes, and a baby is being raped and its being posted online for sick people to enjoy as though they were going to the latest headliner movie. Just a few short days ago a father shook his 5 week old baby leaving him brain damaged and blind. Why?
My heart breaks for this, and my only prayer is that enough hearts will be as broken as mine so that the anger will fuel ambition to STOP it from happening.
IT DISGUSTING AND IT NEEDS to STOP RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Don't you agree?
My ideas are plentiful, so I will begin with just a few... I hope that you read this and join me in this fight. Let me tell you how it can be done.
My mission is to begin to unite with different organizations that advocate for children in the many different ways that are needed. I want to get the support of the following organizations; CASA, Social Services, Solace Tree, Compassionate Friends of Reno, breast feeding organization, HAWC, Victim Services Unit, Kids First Family Services, Step 2, Trauma foundation, Reno Police Department, Kids and Cars org, Children's Cabinet, McGee Center, ect. (there are so many more that by joining we could make such a difference).
As I gain this support, my intent and I think much needed plan is to turn Campaign E.L.I. into a non-profit organization. The E.L.I. Group. I believe that by doing so this campaign would gain more respect from leading officials that have the ability to make huge differences and could make larger contributions... I think of this sometimes... Remember the earthquake in Haiti? It was on CNN, and everyone was donating. America came to their aid in manpower and in financial assistance in the billions. I thought that was so amazing how when we all join together so much can be done. Now if America could turn their giving hearts into a focus that would tackle a problem that is right under our nose then how amazing would that be? Our children need better protection.
So if I can get the resources and help to turn this campaign into a non-profit, my first initial step would be to start to lobby to get a nationwide child abuse registry created. (we have one for sex offenders) Why not one for people who like to beat up on little infants, or burn them with cigarettes for fun. Why not help parents be empowered to better protect their children by being able to research a potential nanny/babysitter and to see if there has ever been an "incident" before. ????? These are all questions that need answering.
I am 31 years old and a full time college student. Of all my classes that are so amazing, the one common denominator is that every professor I have had teaches the same philosophy. "QUESTION EVERYTHING" I am questioning things now, like why isn't one all ready in place?
Scenario... mother of two leaves husband (circumstances unknown) moves into an apartment and needs to find a babysitter as soon as possible.... She goes to do laundry down at the local laundromat and sees a small flyer with advertising for babysitting in her home for cheap. So woman rips of the phone number and takes it home. ****Stop-implant my idea of child abuse registry here***** mother decides before calling this babysitter to look her up on the National child abuse registry and finds out that in a state not even near the one she is living, that this babysitter had charges of neglect and abuse for another child she was babysitting. **** Mother does NOT call this babysitter, and potentially saves it's life**** Babysitter on the other hand thinks that people are just going to call because its only at a Laundromat. She thinks they will never find out since she is in a completely different state.
My friends, this is empowering to families, and protection to children beyond comprehension. Please help me make it happen. If it even only saves one life, isn't it worth it? Isn't it? Every congressional leader claims over and over that our children are our most precious commodity, I think that it is time for me to ask them to prove it. I need help with funding and help with creating campaign E.L.I. into a non profit organization. Will you please give a little if it meant that one child will not be beaten, raped, suffocated, or shaken to death? I need your help.
There are too many babies being shaken, drowned, burned, beaten, raped, and murdered. It is happening right now as I right this. An infant is being shaken to death right now, another child is being burned with cigarettes, and a baby is being raped and its being posted online for sick people to enjoy as though they were going to the latest headliner movie. Just a few short days ago a father shook his 5 week old baby leaving him brain damaged and blind. Why?
My heart breaks for this, and my only prayer is that enough hearts will be as broken as mine so that the anger will fuel ambition to STOP it from happening.
IT DISGUSTING AND IT NEEDS to STOP RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Don't you agree?
My ideas are plentiful, so I will begin with just a few... I hope that you read this and join me in this fight. Let me tell you how it can be done.
My mission is to begin to unite with different organizations that advocate for children in the many different ways that are needed. I want to get the support of the following organizations; CASA, Social Services, Solace Tree, Compassionate Friends of Reno, breast feeding organization, HAWC, Victim Services Unit, Kids First Family Services, Step 2, Trauma foundation, Reno Police Department, Kids and Cars org, Children's Cabinet, McGee Center, ect. (there are so many more that by joining we could make such a difference).
As I gain this support, my intent and I think much needed plan is to turn Campaign E.L.I. into a non-profit organization. The E.L.I. Group. I believe that by doing so this campaign would gain more respect from leading officials that have the ability to make huge differences and could make larger contributions... I think of this sometimes... Remember the earthquake in Haiti? It was on CNN, and everyone was donating. America came to their aid in manpower and in financial assistance in the billions. I thought that was so amazing how when we all join together so much can be done. Now if America could turn their giving hearts into a focus that would tackle a problem that is right under our nose then how amazing would that be? Our children need better protection.
So if I can get the resources and help to turn this campaign into a non-profit, my first initial step would be to start to lobby to get a nationwide child abuse registry created. (we have one for sex offenders) Why not one for people who like to beat up on little infants, or burn them with cigarettes for fun. Why not help parents be empowered to better protect their children by being able to research a potential nanny/babysitter and to see if there has ever been an "incident" before. ????? These are all questions that need answering.
I am 31 years old and a full time college student. Of all my classes that are so amazing, the one common denominator is that every professor I have had teaches the same philosophy. "QUESTION EVERYTHING" I am questioning things now, like why isn't one all ready in place?
Scenario... mother of two leaves husband (circumstances unknown) moves into an apartment and needs to find a babysitter as soon as possible.... She goes to do laundry down at the local laundromat and sees a small flyer with advertising for babysitting in her home for cheap. So woman rips of the phone number and takes it home. ****Stop-implant my idea of child abuse registry here***** mother decides before calling this babysitter to look her up on the National child abuse registry and finds out that in a state not even near the one she is living, that this babysitter had charges of neglect and abuse for another child she was babysitting. **** Mother does NOT call this babysitter, and potentially saves it's life**** Babysitter on the other hand thinks that people are just going to call because its only at a Laundromat. She thinks they will never find out since she is in a completely different state.
My friends, this is empowering to families, and protection to children beyond comprehension. Please help me make it happen. If it even only saves one life, isn't it worth it? Isn't it? Every congressional leader claims over and over that our children are our most precious commodity, I think that it is time for me to ask them to prove it. I need help with funding and help with creating campaign E.L.I. into a non profit organization. Will you please give a little if it meant that one child will not be beaten, raped, suffocated, or shaken to death? I need your help.
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